Belly of a Star

my practice of compassion

My Greatest Teacher


My greatest teacher died today.

She didn’t like me.

She didn’t love me.

And she continually saw me as something she wished to see.

I was her threat.

I was her reason for anger.

I was what took her loved one away.

I was this evil that would soon surface.

I was bad news.

I was the person who manipulated and schemed.

I was the one who she denounced in front of the crowds.

The one she warned others about.

I was the epiphany of someone who would explode at any moment.

A heart breaker.

A home wrecker.

I was ungrateful, forgetful, non-appreciative, selfish, inconsiderate.

I was the one who never called or bothered.

I had poor manners, was picky, was odd, was not nice.

I was so much to this woman.

And I was none of it.

I decided two years ago to love her.

To forgive her.

I decided I didn’t have to like her or be around her, but I didn’t have to hate her, either.

I decided I could just let her keep her perception of me.

She was my greatest teacher.

She was someone who became my enemy and taught me the greatest degree of compassion.

She was someone who taught me tolerance, self-control, self-worth, and inner strength.

I learned to stand my ground.

I learned to mourn over the loss of something that would never be.

I learned to protect myself and my children.

I learned that some people live in horrible, horrible inner turmoil, and in this suffering tear down all friendships and bonds.

I learned how I don’t ever want to choose to see others as demons.

I learned not to judge, not to point fingers, not to place conditions on people.

She was my greatest teacher.

And I mourn her so very deeply.

I cry for her endless suffering.

For the endless dream she lived.

The nightmare she brought upon herself.

Her refusal to see her own light, and in how doing so she snuffed the lights of those around her.

Or attempted to.

Or perhaps not.

Perhaps she was the very one that increased my burning.

Perhaps she was the one that enabled me to grow and fly.

Perhaps without her I never would have faced my inner-fears and demons.

Perhaps I would be the one living in the shadow-lands and choosing what I chose to see.

Perhaps I would be the suffering, a misery onto self.

She was my greatest teacher.

I wish she could have seen me.

I wish she could have seen my light, my love, my heart.

I cry because I lost what I never had.

I cry because I lost a potential mother, a nurturer, a caregiver, a friend.

I lost a person before she was ever found.

I cry for the suffering she brought to herself.

To the pain she penetrated into others’ reality.

I cry because I never got to really know her, to see her, to be with her.

I cry because she goes now and I am still burdened with the wondering.

Could I have loved her more?

Could I have been more selfless?

Could I have been the light she never saw?

16 thoughts on “My Greatest Teacher

  1. Wow, that touches me deeply. That could have been written about my own mother-in-law. But I also decided years ago to love her, even though she will never choose to love me.

  2. Sending Love and Light to you and her family. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers as you mourn what was, could have been and what is to come. Namaste’

  3. So beautiful 🙂
    Peace ❤

  4. It’s sad because there are many people like this in this world. And usually they have good reason to be only because of their own insecurities and pain they have experienced. And I believe God puts these people in your life for a reason. Not sure why. Maybe to teach lessons. But I also realized nobody can help these people except God. You were part of the light she needed, and she was really blessed to have you, but God is the whole light.

  5. Lovely. And very inspiring and honest and heartfelt.

    I’m sad though that you are still wasting so much energy badgering yourself about not being completely perfect. Could you have done more? Sure. If you were a robot, sure 🙂

    • You are so sweet. I didn’t waste any energy on that. None at all. Only was releasing all residue in writing. It was very healing for me and my husband. Thanks for caring with your big heart.

  6. It would seem that your Mother in Law was using you as a mirror somehow, when she looked at you, something within you allowed her to see those fractured off parts that she despised of her own character. How sad that she didn’t have the wherewithal to have turned the mirror around, and fixed her own reflection. I am sorry for your family’s loss.

    • I learned so much from her. I learned to stop controlling and she strongly showed me my inner fears and weakness. She was a great blessing and will be missed. Hugs. Love my HAT… hopefully I will post it on this blog. hehehe 🙂

  7. When someone troubled or at conflict with us passes to the next realm -they do not revise an over view of all your good deeds or those of which they have felt were your injustices to them in time gone by – they just see you. They do not give thanks nor do they seek retribution before they sleep just confirmation in your eyes and voice that you are connected -its all that matters at the end. Your mother loves you, be kind to yourself and let her go for it does not matter.

    • This makes sense to me. I’d like to think so. I talked to her yesterday. I have not one bitter bone about her, and she knows that. I miss her already and love her. Thank you. 🙂

  8. Dear Sam,
    I already told you in my first post on Asperger girls traits that you’ve changed my life. I’m so thankfull for your writings. You can find words to exactly discribe my feelings and my thought. It feels like you’re a kindered spirit on the other side of the world. You are making me feel not alone anymore. While i did feel alone all my life.
    This writing is what i could have written to my mother. Precise and on the dot. Mind blowing is what you are. On my path of spirituality I concider you as one of my guides. Thank you so very much.. ❤ Tam

    • I just love your comment; so very sweet. I think we teach one another, mirrors to our own being. I thank you kindly for the gift of you. And thank you for your kindness. I am so over-joyed that I can contribute in a beneficial way to your journey. Many blessings and you are most welcome. ❤

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