Belly of a Star

my practice of compassion



awake (no time)

AWAKE  (a portion of the watercolor on canvas I did this morning)

Each morning, I have a strong desire to paint and to write. Each morning, I wake up thinking I won’t have the desire today! This day I will be ‘normal.’

Alas… here is my newest painting.

Each day and night, I find solace in reading spiritual texts. I sink my spirit into numerous readings. I steer clear of dogma, rigidness, and structure. Rules and regulations in regards to spirit, and all things stemmed for the benefit of an establishment or a singular one, make me uncomfortable in all parts of my being.

I am a bit out of control of this ‘self.’ This burning fire-like passion builds and builds and builds, until I feel I might explode. I am pushed by some unknown force to create and expel part of what continually penetrates and feeds me–though the fuel feels less nourishment than banquet of grace-filled meals. At moments I sense I could devour my own self. In many ways I feel lost and alone; yet at the exact time entirely connected to source and the universe.

I guess I  ought to be elated. At moments I suppose I am. Actually I feel more akin to a newborn bird, my feathers wet and my appetite unending. And though I have never felt such grace, awareness, understanding, and unconditional love, I have also never felt such penetrating sorrow for others and the want to make the world a place of open eyes and open heart.

I cry more. But I laugh much, much more. And my child-heart smile is back.

I am genuinely at peace at a deep level.  My mind is extremely quiet now. I don’t often think about the coming hour or the coming day.

Physical pain seems to be my primary obstacle. But I see all obstacles as lessons and teachers. Even to classify with words such as good or bad seems non-essential and inadequate.

I battle with a sense of melancholy, often triggered by my physical challenges and the sensation that I am somehow no longer whom I used to be. I still struggle at times with inadequacy, often when I am focused on my physical appearance. If I am in deep connection with the spirit beyond ‘self,’ all my own suffering is released and I have only the purest and sweetest of thoughts.

I am a constant observer of self, watching my life as a director watches a theater production. Only I am silent, collecting thoughts and releasing, without knowing the origin, meaning, or cause.

Judgment is for the most part gone, except when I get down on my physical being.  Most, if not all, of my emotional angst, beyond suffering with wanting to help others, is stemmed directly to the moments I see myself as separate in human form and not part of the Collective All.

awake (painting)

7 thoughts on “Awake

  1. This is a beautiful, heartfelt and honest post, Sam, and your painting is lovely, too! I wish you peace of mind and disappearing pain, my friend, for what it’s worth…xxx

  2. Oh dear!! I HOPE HOPE HOPE you keep on PAINTING!!! The universe is in balance when you do your paintings and writings…I SO love all of it, such a reprieve from the mold and muck of everyday life right now, such a continuous breath of fresh air my friend! 🙂

    • I had an imaginary conversation with you in my head last night: “Alyce..(first I talked about the purple hat..hehe and how I want to wear it in a photo soon..then…) Guess what! There is no 7 in the clock!! I didn’t do it on purpose, but then the 8 shows up outside time! So weird. Even the clock and the person’s head make an 8!” Then I went on and on. Your words really do lift me. Must be your love-juice. xo

      • Have you figured out what it means to you yet that the 7 is missing?? Just fascinating, isn’t it? Maybe all the 8ts are symbols for infinity! So far this is my all time favorite painting…seriously every bit of it just brings beauty to my soul, every bit of it. 🙂

  3. Exquisite and so real Sam 🙂

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