Thank you to all my dear and precious friends who have followed me here from Everyday Aspergers and a huge welcome to those who I am just meeting. Much love to you all.
If I feel anything beyond peace within myself or with another, I feel an instant discomfort. This sense of discomfort serves as my guide and teacher. Everything I write is my momentary truth. I write with no intention, no outcome, and no desire, except to share what is springing up within me. This is an example of what I hear each and every time I am silent and in a state of questioning. I also hear lessons as I sleep, sometimes in the form of lucid dreaming where I am in an actual classroom and sometimes in lovely healing prose. This ‘hearing’ and ‘seeing’ has happened since I was a small child. After I recognized my own inner light and the light in others, the words began to come in more and more quantity. There is a direct relation to what I choose to see in the world and what I hear. I won’t go further into this for now, but invite you to take what you want from this piece and leave the rest.
Urgency is an indicator of self-desire. Any type of panic, impatience, strong need to push forward, to rush, to alleviate a situation or to challenge is self-based. Each person carries within them a compassion: a compassion to be, a compassion to live, and an innate passion to alleviate suffering. Each carries an inner light, called various names in various spiritual practices. Often individuals mistake their passion for the right path, or something that need be done, a necessary action, the way, the absolute. This comes, these thoughts and need to push one’s way onto another, from an individual’s background: all that has happened up to this point. Though this in and of itself, the background, is an illusion.
Beliefs are built on all the conditioning that has occurred in this life since birth; feasibly starting at conception or, if one chooses to recognize multiple lives, then feasibly from beyond conception, both past, present, and future. Conditioning occurs each moment we are alive, whether asleep or awake, whether fully present or not. We are conditioned by our thoughts, others’ thoughts, and all behavior of this world. We are conditioned first by stimuli, and then later through the cognitive processes we choose to use to interpret the stimuli. We are conditioned by the beliefs we attach to and what we proclaim, whether outwardly or inwardly as a ‘truth.’ This truth, all truth, is gathered from and through our senses and through our level of awareness. Truth of other from, which speaks of heart-mind truth, comes from an entirely complete source, which negates the separateness from the senses and narrow cognitive-reasoning, and encompasses and navigates beyond the illusion of time.
Heart-centered, or heart-mind truth, or whatever name one chooses to call a connection to a source beyond our limited human senses, penetrates the mind in a way that expands the awareness of the observer. One becomes split, if not once than multiple times, when he steps out of self and becomes the patient watcher. He is neither judge nor jury, neither here nor there; not feasible to anyone or anything and walks beyond time. His is of a gentle nature. His being does not denote gender. For no gender exists beyond the recognizable flesh. Thusly, the expansive mind is awakened with an observer who now represents something beyond the limited self of ego and self-based desires. He is a key to unlocking the patterns of the walker, a walker who is indeed asleep.
However inspired one is to walk in an awakened state does not determine the occurrence or transference from asleep to awake. For the awakened one is not based on self-desire, and in so being the awakened state cannot come from a foundation of self wanting to awaken. This is complex, though also simple. Indeed the one wishing to be more selfless will desire less to be awakened than to have the release of self. The jewel is found in the quest to release self—in the prospect of letting go and giving up, of having less than before, not more than before. Many will try to walk a path of accomplishment, seeing a goal in the prospect of awakening. This is to see things in reverse and hinders much movement, if movement be, as all time is naught. To place self-first in any endeavor is to move beyond the path of the one wishing to relieve suffering. And yet, if he wishes to first relieve suffering in self to help relieve suffering in others, a negotiation can be found. For ego is still there, still present, still focused and keen, because he believes he is in this for him: for self and self alone. He can therefore focus on his limited and selfish desire to fix, mend, or appease self, and in this way be distracted from the observer’s ‘higher’-goal of freeing others.
In desiring to free others from suffering, some will claim to be healers. It is challenging to use the word healing or healer, as this denotes one is less than the other, that one is in need of healing, of betterment, of improvement, while the other is naturally by terminology rendered more than, the answer, or the teacher. This changes the energy balance immediately.
One can recognize this energy balance readily in most conversations between two. For instance, every word spoken has a motivation. If one listens to his tone of voice and other indicators through sound, one can become a detector of sorts of what one’s intention is. Once this is practiced, the one will begin to feel the intention behind all words, especially those uttered by people in close proximity or even in words written. This is the observer watching and using discernment. Ideally, if ideal was made available, the one would walk his life in awareness of his tone. His tone will directly represent his desire, motivation, intention, and heart-mind connection. All voice that indicates something beyond compassion is not from the heart-mind. All voice that indicates a command, an outcome, an end result, a blame, or interior motive beyond compassion is not of heart-mind.
Even one in passion for a cause can speak from heart-mind. The observers will recognize this passion for cause. The passion will be pure in form without selfish want, and in this way the speaker becomes powerful beyond earthly-boundaries, powerful in his efforts and desire to relieve others from suffering and to replace the representations of false-fear with love. In this case the urgency of self is replaced with the urgency of all. This type of urgency is of a different degree than ego-desire; here, in this state, there is a sense of a guiding source, a light, a truth. There is no need to fear the outcome as the outcome in essence already exists through the concept of absolute time.
In example of this concept of energy exchange, consider a mother asking her child, “Do you need your violin for school today?” She has noticed the son is outside the home and does not have his violin case. She then has a choice within her from what place to come: the place of ego or the place of compassion. The ego would choose one of thousands of alternatives: blame, pride, punishment, and so on. This ego-voice might sound like this: “You forgot your violin again” or “When are you going to learn to remember things.” This can even be taken further, the mother might say in jest: “You stupid person forgetting again.” Said in jest, makes no difference. And what is said makes no difference. If the statement comes from a self-base of the mother for her own ego-intention the words do not build the child. One might think then, if the mother says: “Oh, lovely, here is your violin,” that she is then coming from a non-selfish base, that ego is removed, that she is following the path of compassion. But this is not a truism, if ego is involved. If the mother is speaking in such a way with an intention beyond compassion, then she is still self-based. In example, the mother might be having several desires: the desire to be a good example for her son, the desire to receive a smile or hug, the desire to be seen as a kind person, good mother, or good neighbor, the desire to look as if she is kind, the desire to display compassion. In all ways the mother is still focusing on self. To truly focus on compassion from a heart-mind place there is no intention beyond compassion. The compassion is felt and felt as not part of an outcome. There is no wanting of outcome of any sort except removal of suffering and giving of love. In this way the mother might say to herself, “I love my son and he has forgotten his violin. I shall give this violin to him.” That is the only thought. If the mother is beyond the complexity of thought, and in a space of silence, perhaps living meditation or in a state of grace, she might bring the violin out to her son, having thought little to nothing about the situation. When needs and outcomes become erased, peace is obtained, not only for the one, in this case the mother, but for the other, in this case the child. The son has now felt the unconditional love of compassion, and in seeing this fully he has been nurtured and honored for his self and self alone, for the divine wisdom and loving being inside of him, that needs not be reprimanded, belittled, and talked down to, but lifted and placed in a space of equality of all loving and pure beings.
All outcomes denote desire. All displays, all wishes, all wants include outcomes. They are inseparable. Desires lead to suffering as do outcomes. Outcomes and desires both pull a seeker into the past or the present. Thinking of an ailment in the body does this easily; the seeker will be focusing on the past of what has been taught of pain and the future of what will become of pain; he will momentarily forget that in the pure present the pain is eradicated in degree—to what degree is determinant on two factors. The first being the state of awakening and the second the entities want of suffering. In some instances the sufferer is refining self through the suffering. This is not to say all illness and ailments can be cured with awakening, and this is not to say that sufferings cannot. To put such a heightened outcome on any path would be to claim desire and to perpetuate further suffering of non-attainment of goal. There is much silliness to be found in those that focus on the body as a sign of non-awakening, for how can any know if the one suffering is not secretly hidden as the healer of All taking on the suffering as form of illusion, if not by choice, then by extreme passion. And who is to say this one is not choosing the burdened body, so as to lead self into a more pleasing place upon full awakening. We are not less or more by our burdens erased; we are neither less nor more in any state. We are. For the judge to claim one is less by ailment, is the same as saying one is less because he be man or woman, guant or fatly, dark or light. All judgment breeds separation. There is no way to judge without breeding separation, and thusly judgment cannot exist beyond the boundaries of illusion. There is nothing to aspire to. All is all already, the affliction of heart is no lesser or greater than the affliction of body.
In referencing again the concept of parenthood, if parents focus on self-awareness, even with ego still firmly intact, they would begin to see the benefits of this transaction between parent and child. How the child can teach the parent, by the parent simply observing his or her self in the presence of the child. Children are in essence the most beautiful of teachers, as when young, their hearts are often untouched by the misery and suffering of the world, their view is still clear, and their mind still hopeful. In many there is a divine need to relieve suffering and bring joy to those around them. If adults can regain this insight, which is birthed within each of us, every being would be freed. Everyone would appear as child at heart.
Often children are loved conditionally from a place of self-based ego needs and desires. The children are conditioned to be and act a certain way, and even think a certain way. They are taught rigidness, dogma, separation, and rights from wrongs. They are rarely exposed to the in between, the gray areas, to the endless possibilities that expand between the point of one right and the point of one wrong. Rare is this child who is not raised by parents who supply unlimited conditioning, and rare is the child who innately sees the reality of the world as unjust and moves beyond the rigid structure of conditioning.
When children grow into conditioned adults they begin to condition those around them through their actions and words. Every word out of their mouth is usually self-based, even if they believe it is not. They bring to the table all of their past collected truths, and stand by these truths, as if the truths themselves were blood and bone. They are not, but they treat their truths as so, and in so doing treat the others as less than. This action, akin to reaction, has the opposite effect in comparison to the mother filled with compassion. Instead of another being filled with acceptance and peace, the other is filled with caution and discomfort. This unease isn’t readily felt by most. Instead, the other person, equally conditioned, turns to judgment, and starts to reason inside their self-based mind why what the other person has said does not fit their comfort zone, their belief system, their current state of mind. Here debates begin, silent often, and feeding off the pure-state of each. Each one facing the other with the shield of their own perceived truth is facing the other with their own perceived fears. Each is pounding into the other a truth that is false to claim a self that is non-existent. For what is a self without the collection of truths? If one cannot have his truth, and claim his truth the right truth, then one does not have self. It is the rare one who can recognize his truths are continually changing, not day by day, but instant by instant, because in the absence of time, no truth remains stagnant and unmoving, all is a river, all flows in purity.
Cultures exist within their own truth bubble. This is how wars began. My truth is greater than your truth. I am better. I am worthier. I am right. Whether the cause is deemed good or bad, makes no difference, all degrees of good and bad vary from one observer to the next. Others join in the battle because the illusion of unity is perceived. Look at all the people who believe in the same truth. I am must be right. If my truth is right I exist. War perpetuates the illusion of oneness and the illusion of rights and wrongs by feeding the non-existent-one with falsehoods of unity. No unity is found in misery. No unity is found when one is left victim and one is led to suffering. Still this occurs, and is perhaps the deepest deception of the illusion of one, something that pretends to unite but further divides. Ego will say then how can the weak be defended, the destroyer destroyed. Source will say there are none lesser or more, there are no destroyers.
When destroyer is made he is fed. He becomes what he is named. He, by feeding into the illusion of his name, becomes further and deeper into the illusion of his oneness. To be a destroyer is to be real. To be a destroyer is to perceive self as better than being nothing or less than. For if one is nothing or less than, he perceives himself as naught, as worthless, as unnecessary. Nothing is further from the truth. When one is absent of self, and the biased reigning ego, he is heart-filled with the desire for goodness, and in this way brought to the deepest knowing of connection and unity. He, in this state of no state, is complete and in no need, a living representation of potential and freedom. To be a destroyer or to be a walking representation of love; the choice is often not made by the one disguised as one, but by the illusion of wanting to exist in a place of no existence. To let go of self is to sacrifice all, to lose all, and to replace the illusion with completion. Nothing is gained or won or achieved. All is returned that was never taken. In a moment all is made seen which was in darkness.
No two individuals can see the truth as separate. Truth is seen when two are joined into one; therefore all truths are varying in scope based on the singular eyes of the observer. Beings can see truths as equal and in essence the same when seeing form the place of heart-mind. This is why when two awakened souls cross paths they see each in the other the beauty of all. This can become a place of instant healing of many, for two have joined as one, and the eruption of self is evident. Here is where peace is found, never in the war that produces the shield of fear. All victory is temporary and cyclic. One might win and another might lose. Yet, soon the roles will reverse. To win today is to lose another day. Therefore even victorious conquests are nothing but imaginary games leading to further imaginary games. Nothing is gained in the plight of one or in the plight of thousands joined beneath the singular false illusion of one.
When one becomes more sensitive in degree to the surroundings of this reality, she begins to feel the narrow blades of conversation. At first, she may only recognize this as discomfort, confusion, exhaustion, or a need to flee. She might have feelings of defense, though she knows not why. Or fear, or many of a number of emotions stemmed from the illusion of fear. She will long to be where she is and at the same time long to run. There will be an imprisonment, where she feels nowhere is safe. This is the beginning of awakening, which means nothing, except that the pains will continue or cease, depending on the receiver’s choices. This is neither a gift nor indication of specialness, as none are special; unique in their quest, but no less grander than another. This is always up most in importance: with specialness separation is birthed and rebirthed.
If ever a leader claims superiority, he is no less leader than the scum of the pond, and see him as such. Scoop him up and remove him, for his words will be suffocating the life of the water. But remember still, even the scum is a life-being, green in its essence, born young and eternal, and in need of compassion and the relief of suffering.
When one practices awareness with the heart of compassion and wishes only to relieve others’ sufferings, she will begin to see the conversations with others as tools for further refinement of compassion. All interactions will seem a school of sorts, each word spoken a mystery to unravel. This can be a time of much discomfort, as the words become heavy with possibility and meaning, and the drive for understanding a pushing force. This is desire again, but desire for learning for the betterment of self and the relief of suffering of all is a desire worth pursuit. Here she will begin to recognize her self in all in all in her self. What she speaks will be either from a place of pureness and source-love or from a place of ego. She will notice this readily in herself every time she makes a sound. She will notice this in herself with thoughts. She will almost hear the thoughts of others, because their intention will be so loud. She can recognize this intention because she has first recognized and refined intention in herself.
Any who look upon another and decipher another’s words that have not first deciphered their own being, are not practicing discernment but trapped in an ego-illusion of thinking they are discerning when in truth they are judging to feed their own ego. There is a distinct difference and strong indicators between discernment and judgment. When one is awakened she will see the whole of a truth, she will see directly into the heart of the other and hold the light as an equal soul. She will see the illusion and want to awaken the sufferer. She is the one of discernment.
The judge will feed her own self and claim she is right. She will prove her point. She will demonstrate her perceived ‘goodness’ and push it on unwilling seekers. She will think herself better because of her knowing, greater and growing to greatness further. Hers will be the path of ill will and dead fruit. Where others follow they will carry the same stench.
In the light of the awakened soul all actions will be deemed by observer whole, the truth seen through the very words, and the calmness perceived as non-intentional and from beyond this world.
The discomfort shall not last, as the one captured in the state of wanting to alleviate suffering of all shall continually become more of the peace of all. This is the blessed path she has chosen; though dangerous in the perceived unpredictability and outcome, in releasing such thoughts of potential ways, her relief is again made as a dedicated service to the all. Her own state of awakening will include her own humanness and perceived frailties. These she has chosen to maintain and harbor in knowing the path to release of suffering is walked clearer when her pains are too recognizable and made dimmer in the light of source. Here she is reminded continually of her own oneness and the feeling of oneness, so that she may bring up her agony and affliction of proof of the occurrence. She walks in the way of great warrior, opened to transformation through her own further suffering. If this be the true way to alleviate others’ suffering, she shall feel broken, hounded, and desperate, and in this she will pull closer and closer to source, until evaporating into a state of everlasting peace. She sees this and knows this, and this seeing enables her to continue. This is not a blind faith, neither is it a faith built on definites; it is a faith in the unknown, so profound and wordless that only the seeker shall identify the opening as: the captive being she is continually brought into freedom.
The world might appear too much at this instant and overwhelming, as the seeker is now the seer. Here she will either decide to venture onward or to seep back into the past and present, walking much asleep again. There will be moments when all she can do is retreat to past behavior. Here anger will rise, the questions, the fear, and the present will all disappear. This is the body’s way of escape, not the soul-essence’s choice, but the body. There is no right or wrong, and all is as all is.
Here in this state of much awakened awareness, one must be diligent of her practice of awareness by finding suitable measures for self-enhancement, not the body-self, but the illusion of singular self that believes to be perceiving. Here she is to dive into the aspects that are not of self and to continue to undo and remove all doings. The key is in the removal, not in the addition. The one is enough as part of the all, no nothing need be attached. Here she will spend time in deep mediation, either by choice with carved out parts of the day, or by state, wherein she is in a constant state of being. Feelings will still arrive and emotions will be seen as teachers. Nothing is to be stuffed or denied, all taken in, as the ground accepts the rain for nurturing and cleansing, and to assist in the filing of the living forms that spring up from the soil. Nothing is for nothing, and all is for all. There is no way to undo what has been done. As the time ceases and the one as warrior bloomed is determined to escape the labyrinth of a game she no longer surrenders to, here is where a guide is needed. When one cannot find another then one has the capacity to seek within.
All who seek within shall find truth; but only those with pure heart shall find the truth of source. If one enters the circle of truth without the intention of compassion and relief of suffering, then one pulls out nothing but illusion. Therefore caution is needed in preparing for the dive within, for without a guiding hand, the one may sink deeper into illusion. Perhaps becoming so engaged and desire-filled with the quest for enlightenment that the ego-self transforms all-ness into one-ness, and the one thinking he is limitless in compassion is limitless in ego.
Here is where the quest for pride will be most pronounced. Here is where the witness will hear the continual anguished battle-cry of “good-enough.” The voices of ego coming to surface for the chance of control. For how is it that this one was chosen and the rest not? Here is the ego’s game to de-surface the heart-mind and bury it justly so beneath his own ill will. Here one can say justly so, I am not chosen. I have chosen. And here the power of ego is dismissed. Here one can say: I am worthy as I am not I. I am of the ALL, and the ALL is worthy. Here the one can remember the ego virtue of gluttony. In that one can become ego-based in his need to be enough or humble enough—the desire for wholeness, the desire humility, the desire for the release of pride, all are desires. All desires lead to suffering. To release the desire is ideal. But to recognize the desire is optimal. All is enough. One is enough in his acceptance of illusion-self. There is no need to comprehend, to figure out, or to solve; again this is desire.
This is for this moment.